Something like 50% of marriages end in divorce. Probably because people rush into it with the wrong person and/or because “til death do us part” is pretty daunting when you’re unhappy later on. But what if marriages were more like hockey contracts?
*warning – this article is going to be about as unromantic as Brent Burns’ beard:
Example #1 – The Starlet
Naomi is 21 years old and has just moved to LA with her high school sweetheart Nick to become a model/actress. Nick proposes and Naomi loves him but her career is just taking off and she doesn’t want to burn all of her prime years with him so she signs a 3 year “bridge” contract with a no movement clause because she needs to be in LA.
3 Years Later: Naomi still loves Nick but she’s just had a great contract year (starring role in a blockbuster film and she’s in the best shape of her life). Plus, TMZ says that a few famous actors will be UFA’s soon so she hits the open market.
6 Months Later: Paydirt! Naomi signs a massive 7 year deal with Liam Hemsworth that came with a huge signing bonus, including a month long trip to Hawaii.
4 Years Later: TRADED! WHAT! Liam Hemsworth trades Naomi to Eddie Redmayne for Miley Cyrus and a mistress-to-be-named-later. I guess Naomi should have signed that no trade clause like her agent suggested.
2 Years Later: Naomi is pretty unhappy with Eddie but she only has one year left on her deal so she sticks with it instead of going through an expensive divorce.
1 Year Later: Finally free! Now smarter into her 30’s, Naomi gets back together with Nick and signs a long term deal.
Example 2 – The Monopoly Man
George is 35 and a successful businessman. He works extremely hard and makes a ton of money. George wants kids though so he signs a 10 year deal laden with child-bearing bonuses with a woman named Stephanie.
10 Years Later: Being a father wasn’t as rewarding as George thought and Stephanie is trying to slap a no movement clause on him. George needs to be able to move to keep progressing in his career so he hits free agency.
20 Years Later: After a successful career, George is finally ready to settle down and he’s met a country girl named Francine he thinks he loves, so he signs another 10 year deal.
7 Years Later: Boring! Turns out the country life isn’t for George. He buys out the last 3 years of the contract with Francine and turns to a 4 year deal (two-way option for a 5th) with a 22 year old, obvious gold digger named Mercedes.
4 Years Later: George is broke now and Mercedes declines the 5th year option, having spent all of the old man’s money. Nobody seems to want to sign with George anymore and he retires from the relationship game and resorts to sending out Luongo-like tweets about the perils of bad contracts.
Example #3 – The Happy Couple
Josh is 24 years old and has been dating his girlfriend Judy for 2 years. They’re both religious so there’s no sex until marriage. For obvious reasons, Josh wants to get married asap but he’s worried since they’ve never lived together so he proposes a 2 year deal and Judy accepts.
2 Years Later: Josh and Judy are completely happy. Some rich guy tried to offer-sheet Judy but they weren’t having it and signed a 20 year deal. It’s baby-making time.
20 Years Later: Still wildly in love. These two don’t plan on leaving each other. They’re the Shane Doan/Arizona Coyotes of relationships. They sign a 60 year deal, throw a big party to celebrate and live happily ever after.
Winners and Losers of the Hockey-Contract-Marriage:
Winner – TMZ. You can’t tell me you wouldn’t watch a “free agent frenzy” where a bunch of celebrities all became unrestricted free agents on July 1st each year and you could watch to see who hooked up with who. The rumour mill alone would be amazing.
Loser – Divorce Lawyers. Any idea that causes divorce lawyers to lose has to be a good one right? I guess they could all get jobs as “Marriage Agents”.
Winner – Contestants on the Bachelor. It’s a lot more believable to win a 1 year marriage than a forever one after a few weeks on a TV show.
Loser – Romance…….. I guess I can’t argue with this one…